Several years ago, I read the most amazing book called “The Four Agreements” that inspired me to give up one of America’s (and my) favorite pastimes: gossiping. Most of us, when being honest, would admit we are guilty of participating to some degree or another in what we rationalize to be a fairly innocuous thing, but is, in fact, actually quite insidious and harmful. Words are very powerful. They can be used to uplift, or just as easily to destroy. Giving up gossiping was a struggle that did not come easy. In fact, it was almost as difficult as a smoker giving up cigarettes or an alcoholic giving up the bottle. Let’s face it, addiction is addiction, no matter what your vice of choice is. And at this point in our history, it couldn’t be more evident that our entire country is addicted to gossip. What is it about gossiping that is so satisfying and alluring that almost everyone does it? Quite frankly– it’s fun, and makes you feel superior to the person being slandered. Moreover, it’s a major power trip. The person dishing the “T,” holding court with the “Oooh, girl, let me tell you about so and so…” becomes the center of attention. All eyes are on you as you dispense with your ugly words, often garnering big laughs depending on how crafty you are with humorously constructing your verbal assaults on the unfortunate individual who is never present to defend their honor. Problem is, this sense of power one derives from this pastime is false and fleeting. Rather than empowering you, the habit of gossiping merely exposes your own deep-rooted insecurities and the black heart that gives rise to the desire to participate in this activity in the first place. I think the more you understand the truth of why you gossip, the more inclined you’ll be to fight to free yourself from its grip. Something else to consider, the Universe is all about balance, so you can bet if you’re out there spreading the 4-1-1 on some unsuspecting soul, somebody else is out there doing the same to you. Take it from a former Gossip Girl, if you use the word to spread love and truth, your mind becomes less agitated, and happiness follows you around like a shadow. I’m still not perfect, but I’m quick to stop mid-sentence whenever I hear myself headed down Benita Boulevard. Unless of course, I’m talking about my dear friend, Mrs. Jenkins; then all bets are off:)
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You’re right. That’s why they used to call it the dozens. Then people stared getting shot and they changed the name to “dissing.” And more people started getting shot. And so on and so forth.
Like, you remember Calvin Bailey?
He got busted for robbing the same liquor store. Twice!! They fired him before he robbed it the first time.
I aint gossiping, I’m just saying.
Anyway you make good points.
Love to you and the family.
Thank you for this insight on gossip.
I agree with you that its not right to gossip or backstab whoever as I do believe in being straight up with ur pplz….
If you can’t be honest with them, whether they like it or not, then why are they in your life?
PPl outside ur comfort zone are unnecessary…..
Brilliant post. I started a parasitic people fast a few years ago feeling it was time for a paradigm shift. It was during that period of introspection that I realized how much pain we were all in; bound by misery. yet, we were so focused on others that we couldn’t see what we were dishing out was coming from the blackness within. It feels good to be free, and quiet. Peace.
Kim: really enjoyed this!
One point of consideration I’d like to add re: gossiping and the motivation behind it: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung
AND…nobody betta say nothin’ bad about Mrs. Jenkins!!!! ‘Cause that’s when I’ll lose it!!!!
Thank you for sharing all or your talents with us!
Funny and true, which makes it easier to swallow. Keep spreading the truth!
The words hold true that are stated. Words build you up to knock you down if you are not careful, but as society goes gossip is a form of communication. I am not saying that I do not fall in this category because I do but I don’t gossip to put you down I am talknin about how to better yourself and you just not listening. just like your friend with diabetes. They get so offensive that you just back off and not say anything but go and discuss the conversation with someone else. That is gossip you just not talking bad about them you are just gving insight ot he situation and treying to figure out how to tell them better.
Hi Kim, for one I was never one to knock the next person for who they are, and most definitely not one to gossip, or have anything to do with a person who chooses to gossip. I really don’t understand peoples logic, in doing such. It’s such a negative behavior that attracts negativity. I try as a person to uplift, or shall I say support people, why because it helps a whole lot to make someone feel much better about themselves. For example Im gonna use myself as an example. I recently fell in Love with an entertainer, that I had met not to long ago. But it wasn’t that I fell in love with him It was his Sprit in which I had fallen in love with, mostly all my friends know this, to make a long story short, I could care less about them wondering why I choose to love him. In doing so I consider it a gift that god gave us. He gave us the ability to love. Doesn’t matter to me if I never have the opportunity to be with him thats just how I feel. I recently Put a video up by the Winans called Addictive Love alot of us don’t know that the Video is speaking of Gods love, and being forever addicted to his love.. so in essence I was judged by it, and guess what it doesn’t matter to me, it’s mind over matter.. Take Care, god bless you and your family and keep these blogs coming..
DAOUD – Hey there. Sorry to hear about Calvin. I hope he’s doing better now. I think about his family from time to time; Alvin living out here for a bit, but I haven’t heard from him in a good, long time. Anyhoo, the brothers send you a “what’s up!.” Thanks for reading these blogs!
HANA – Thanks for your input. I believe in being straight-up with folks as well!
T-ALLEN – I hear you. That free, quiet zone is a great space to occupy. It is my hope that more of us will be inclined to go on that inner quest that leads to where you apparently are.
ISADOR – Great Point! There’s a wonderful book called “The Dark Side of The Shadow Chasers” that elaborates on that concept quite well. Thanks for sharing!
LIZ – I understand what you’re saying. It’s all about intention. If the intention in your heart is good and pure when you’re discussing certain situations that involve certain individuals, that doesn’t really fall into the “gossip” category.
We are all guilty of this! It is true…. Oddly enough, when I catch myself heading in that direction, I stop it! It’s a blessing to be aware of thi behaviour. When I encounter others, I kindly mention, sticking to the facts; not supposition. It’s not easy taking the high-road, but it is worth it. Life is better and more satisfying. Thanks for “going there”!
TOM – You’re welcome Mr. Brooks! And you are so right about life being more satisfying(and happy I might add), when you strive to steer clear of gossip. You’ll find the more you work your resistance muscle, the stronger it gets!
Another great topic Ms. Wayans.Everyone has gossiped one time or another. Is it a nice thing to do? Absolutely not. I’m guilty but I also have a pause button that I push when I’m about to participate in this negative activity. This makes me think and put myself in the place of the one who is the topic of discussion. There are people who try to draw you in, even church folk. However you have to be strong and resist the temptation of gossiping right along with them. When I write I talk about the good in people, what accomplishments they have made, and how they inspire others. Do I get comments? Not really because I’m not trashing someome, hurting their feelings, spreading rumors, lies, dishing out dirt or the 411. People need to live their life and stay out of other people’s business. keep up the great work!
Well everyone I’m sorry to say that I was a huge gossiper. But the thing about it was I didn’t know I was gossiping or putting someone down. To me I was simply venting my feelings about someone so I could get that weight off my chest. But all in all you never know how the person who is listening to the info is gonna take it and what they’ll do with that information. A good friend of mine say “it’s best that you keep somethings to yourself.” Which is great advice since she put in my ear that I could really say hurtful things even if it were true or because things that person said or did bothered me. I still had to take in consideration that no one’s perfect, everyone doesn’t like everyone and if that be the case leave that person alone and find other ways to vent. And try doing it in the most positive way so you can stay kind at heart. Because once you let that evil in your spirit it takes a while to get it out.
I like your truthfulness; in the end all bets are off! Dear Kim, I live in a rather challenging environment. Over the course of the years I have learnt that:
a. gossipping actually says more about (the colour of) my heart than anything about the person I’m gossipping about and actually diminuishes me.
b. most people around me I actually like in many ways, so I don’t want to hurt them.
c. there remain some few individuals I really love to hate and I do gossip about them (but only to my partner!).
I would not fret too much about your habbit. Neither would I assume that your new good behaviours towards others will necessarily affect their gossip about you all that much. Homo homini lupus est. Being good made me and will make you feel better though! Now to find something else to talk about…
ANGEL- I appreciate your honesty…Thanks for sharing and for striving to do better with what you now know to be “gossip.”
FRANK – I’m giving you an amen to your first two points (a & b, but I can’t co-sign on point c:)
Hi Kim,
How’s it going? Good I hope. I want to complement you on new’s blogging and your vibrant look. keep sharing the news while showing your beauty. It’s a great and God givin talent. Keep on movin.
Luv Mary
Hey kim, I’m gonna keep this short but when I clicked on this blog all I could do is laugh my bottoms off. I really miss ” in living color”. I agree with telling everyone what’s on my mind at any given time but someimes I do wonder ifi am being to frank and should hold back because I come to realize that some folk are to sennsitive. After doing more research, I figured out that if you learn a little more. Ab outthe person you need to be frank with, there are ways to do it that wouldn’t be so harsh in their eyes. I hope this makes since.
Follow me on twitter @msyako. We can chat more.
Taming the tongue is right. Gossip is an improper use of the tongue This is how to kill a person without hands. It is hard to do and I agree you have to catch yourself.
Your tongue,is your worst enemy…
I really do believe that we attract the links we need in our lives and I needed to read this.
As a full time blogger gossip is everywhere and you can’t help but be drawn in. Sometimes you wanna chime in because it can be so addictive but in my core of hearts I know that talking trash about somebody else who isn’t their to defend themselves is dispiriting.
I honestly feel like gossiping is simply another way we run away from ourselves. As a culture we don’t like holding up mirrors to ourselves because we’re conditioned to always look outside ourselves for solutions. Cop this, buy that, blame him, blame her, blame the man, feel sorry for yourself cause don’t come from money…the messages are constant.
The greatest challenge is being consistent with what you know in your heart center is the right thing to do.
GT