Is it just me, or has anyone noticed that good listening skills are on the wane? Initially, I blamed this phenomenon on the fact that we live in a technologically advanced culture that over-stimulates our senses, and makes the mind’s ability to focus difficult. Well, that might explain why I have to strip my young nieces and nephews of all their iphones, blackberrys, video games, etc., and practically hogtie them to hold their attention these days. But it doesn’t explain why the grown folks (30 and over) seem to be struggling in the listening department as well. Bad listeners, in my observations, seem to fall into one of five categories:
1) ”The Pretender”- That’s the person who’s pretends they’re listening to you, but it becomes painfully obvious they’re not, when they ask you “how are you doing today?” and you say, “Not so great…my dog died.” And they respond, “Oh, that’s great! Have a nice day.”
2) “The One-Ups Man” - This is the person who just listens long enough to hear about a trip you took, or a promotion you got, so they can jump in and one-up you with an even more fabulous trip they took, or a bigger, higher-paying promotion they got.
3) “The Impatient Listener” – This person gives you rapid fire “uh-huh’s” while tapping their toes, checking their watch, nodding their head, and anything else they can think of, short of just screaming, “WRAP IT UP!”
4) ”The Amazing Kreskin” – This person thinks he’s a mind reader, so before you can get the thoughts out of your mouth, he’s cutting you off and telling you what you meant to say before you say it. He loves nothing more than finishing your sentences for you.
5) “The Hollywood Listener” - (My favorite) This person appears to be listening, but their body is turned three-quarters away from you, and their eyes are actively scanning the room for someone more important to talk to.
Recognize any of those folks? I bet you do…you might even be one of them. I think there’s a reason why the creator, in his wisdom, gave us two ears and one mouth–so that we could listen twice as much as we talk. There is nothing more respectful you can do when engaged in a conversation with someone, than to be fully present to what they are saying and allow them the opportunity to completely express themselves before you go jumping in. I bet nine times out of ten, most people having a conversation would be hard-pressed to repeat back what was being said to them because they were either too busy thinking about how they were going to respond, or too busy thinking about something that had absolutely nothing to do with the conversation taking place–like what they’re going to have for dinner, perhaps. When you are truly mindful about listening, you’ll find in addition to these two ears, we also have the capacity to listen with our hearts; and that’s where the real magic happens because when you listen with your heart, you hear not only what’s being said, but more importantly, the subtext of what is being said. Words are just part of the story. When you listen carefully, you get the whole story. Everybody wants to, rather needs to, feel as if they are really, truly being heard– it’s a basic human need. Good listeners are people you rarely forget because they have the ability to make you feel like the most important person in the world. Listening is a fine art; the more you try to perfect it, the richer and more satisfying your relationships with others (especially your mate) will be. You might discover some really interesting things about people you thought you knew “inside out,” if you would just shut your own big trap, open your ears and your heart, and listen.
Kim, very, very true and somewhat hilarious because it is so true. I think I know all these people and you’re right, it hurts not to be listened too. It takes a certain sense of woth away from a person. Thanks for writing this. I have to keep an eye on my listening skills as well so that I may be a better friend, wife and mom.
I do believe that in today’s society many people lack good listening skills. Everyone is always so go, go, go that we hardly ever take the time to actually take the time and sit and listen. I think it’s a shame but thank you for your humourous way of sharing.
Kim,
Insightful! Also a reality check of what NOT to do to people.
One-upmanship, I know that person WELL!
Thanks for sharing.
Wow, Kim, you’ve summed up all of the annoying bad listeners very succinctly! Good thing this is written down or I wouldn’t have made it past #2. At times, I can be #3. *blush*
Excellent blog, Kimmy. You’re so eloquent.
Anywho, I feel the real reason folks aren’t listening anymore is because the art of conversation has waned to an almost non-existent activity. Between tweets, Facebook, my space, and texting, folks don’t have to talk anymore. So when some of us get together we’re so busy thinking about what to post, when to post, should I post or did I post, the ability to focus is a challenge. Granted social networking is a fabulous tool; I recently reconnected with several folks I hadn’t spoken to in almost 20 years; however, it does not (nor should it) replace a good old fashioned old school phone conversation.
Ya feel me?
LAURITA – You’re welcome! Glad you’re going to bring more awareness to your listening skills.
ROBIN – Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for the input. Yes, I feel ya big-time! Sometimes it scares me how many of the good old fashioned things are falling to the wayside. I don’t want to live in a world where nobody writes letters anymore, or reads books (not ebooks, book books)anymore. Oh, well…
Hey Kim! I was the combination of 3 and 4. But I find that when I’m really interested in the conversation there are more traits about the person I’m speaking with that I adore. I like to be able to speak with someone and we’re both intuned to what’s being said and giving feedback..That’s how a conversation is supposed to be. It’s as if the world’s getting inpatient with some of the basic things especially when technology gives us a easy way out.
Dear Kim, no it is not just you. You are backed by prominent researchers and philosophers. For example:
A U.S. congress report in the early 20th century predicted the outcome that you have reacted on. Their osciology and psychology studies showed that a massive bombardment of impressions activates a sort of ‘tunnel vision’ defense mechanism in humans. A ‘free flow of information’ would paradoxically close people’s minds.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle exemplified this neurophysiological ‘hangup’ by instilling it in his Sherlock Holmes character (who first appeared in a publication in 1887). Though famous for his intellectual prowess and renowned for his skillful use of astute observation, Holmes refused to learn ‘irrelevant’ knowledge, because he believed that the mind had limited space.
In a Horizon article in 1965 Alvin Toffler warned about an “abrupt collision with the future”; a “Future Shock”, attributable to the shattering stress and disorientation that the emerging information age would be inducing in individuals by subjecting them to a paralyzing diversity of change, products, experiences and options in too short a time.
By 1982, in “Megatrends”, John Naisbitt and Patricia Aburdene also confirmed that we were shifting from an Industrial Society to an Information Society. They stated that: “We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge”.
Noam Chomsky, Marvin Minsky and Edward de Bono are others who have, to different extents, explored these various chemical and neurophysiological suppressors, critics, and inhibitors “which can inhibit not merely actions but entire strategies of
thought”.
As professor Minsky explains, the safety mechanism that involves people often “not listening” are there to keep us from being paralyzed. The mind tells us which thoughts we shouldn’t
think. “Negative knowledge” or “negative expertise” can be a good thing. Unfortunately, as you noticed, fewer people have been provided with the ability to manage these intellectual, emotional and sociological tools.
While in business school, I often encountered the “Hollywood Listener” at recruiting events. However, they were quite focused and listened carefully unless they found out that the student they were in a discussion with still was a freshman of sorts – then they abruptly walked away “scanning the room for someone more important to talk to”.
It was fascinating that they didn’t think long-term and didn’t bother to make a discrete and socially competent exit out of the conversation.
KEVIN- Thanks for sharing. I’m in some great company…who knew!
Hey Kim, I just wanted to thank you for connecting with me on Twitter. I’m checking out Amyhodgepodge WOW!! this is very cool
what you have created. I can’t put it down. Your funny Kim and
very talented. Maybe you can give me some pointers. I’m following
you sister. keep on keep’in on!!
DANGERMAN the Urban Superhero
“Keep’in kids in school and out of jail”
Hey Kim,
I was looking forward to meeting you on Saturday at the Bridge
and getting a signed copy of your book. Unfortunately I had another
event. I love Amy Hodgepodge and so does my daughter, and she’s 25.
Ok I’ll keep an eye out for your next signing.
DANGERMAN the Urban Superhero
“Keep’in kids in school and out of jail’
Hi,
thanks for the great quality of your blog, each time i come here, i’m amazed.
black hattitude.
Hello Kim,
This was very insightful and true! I’m a firm believer in listening more than I speak. We don’t truly “hear” each other anymore. But we can change this by actively being better listeners ourselves.
Keisha
I followed this link checking out a friend, Laurita Huff Ploughman. Kim this has got to be the latest response butt I wanted you to know that I have seen all five in my myself at one time or another. That thing was funny and insighful. Thank you for not removing it. God Bless you. Much Love.