L ast night, I stumbled home drained, exhausted and mentally numb, and fell into the bed unable to even summon up the energy to get undressed. No, I wasn’t out drinking – I was out having dinner with a friend I like to call “Negative Nelly.” I walked into the restaurant feeling lighthearted and joyous, but the closer I got to her table the more I could feel the energy in the room starting to turn. And there she sat, sipping her Strawberry Daiquiri with a face that was once very beautiful, but was now twisted into a mask of bitterness from years and years of complaining. My behind didn’t get a chance to hit the seat before she launched into a tirade about all that’s wrong with the world and her life, without coming up for air, or even stopping to swallow her saliva for that matter. A tirade she’s been repeating like a broken record for the ten years that I’ve know her. Granted, life has delivered a couple of devastating blows to Nelly. Most notably, her husband left her for his secretary. But show me someone over thirty that life hasn’t dealt some blows.
And, remember this happened TEN years ago!
Unfortunately, for Nelly (and her friends) she has chosen to assume the role of the Victim; all of her power is derived from being the outraged, wronged woman. Every time she goes over the details of “all that man did to her” she tells it with the intensity and passion of someone having the experience for the very first time. Her nostrils get to flaring; her voice gets loud and shrill, daggers shoot out of her eyes, and the edges of her press-n-curl nap up from the cold sweat she breaks out in. Then she has the nerve to wonder why her blood pressure is up and her stomach stays upset. She doesn’t understand the connection between toxic emotions and her health. That’s only new-age mumbo jumbo according to her. The sad thing Nelly and people like her don’t realize is that by staying stuck in the past- re-living what has already come and gone- they miss their life. Life is happening in the present moment and the only way to truly experience the present is to let go of the past.
I tried to explain to Nelly that she needs to forgive her ex. and move on, which only enrages her even more. Let her tell it, she “wouldn’t give that triflin’, no-good mo-fo the satisfaction of forgiveness.” What she fails to comprehend is that forgiveness is a selfish endeavor. It’s a gift you give yourself. In forgiving you lighten your own load and release yourself from the prison you’ve create with evil, vengeful and negative thoughts and energy. Once you unlock that gate and walk through the door, the opportunity for true happiness and fulfilment await you. Many years ago my Yoga teacher shared a little poem with the class that has served me every day of my life since:
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
But Today is a gift
That’s why it’s called the present
Hey Kimmy,
Girl sounds like Negative Nelly has some serious issues that’s gonna lead to her demise if she doesn’t get them in check. As you stated who over 30 hasn’t gone through or taken some blows. Guess what Nelly you need to “blow back” cause honey right about now you sliding down a razor blade and gonna land in an alcohol river if you don’t wake your ass up. There’s too many people running round sanging their shoulda coulda woulda blues and missing out on everything because they stuck in the “victim” role. Why don’t you come an audition for my film? For this production, you might want to expand your acting abilities because I’m not looking for victims or accusers I’m looking for motivators and changers. Girl get up and make a change please.
Kimmy: you are a good and joyous person… it may be time to “trim the fat”… It just may be that the 30 years of knowing Negative Nelly is time to cross the river so to speak… people come in and out of our lives, some for a brief time, some for a life time, all for a reason, all we learn and grow from, some we teach and some we tire from…. Negative Nelly is making choices ~ by staying in her drama, her movie, she is making a choice, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE IN THE MOVIE… you don’t have to continue to suffer the abuse and have your energy sapped dear one ~ Let her know by not choosing to embrace life, the gifts of you, she is choosing to not have the joy of you! EMBRACE THE GIFTS, enjoy the moment. Say YES, to you and all you are to those who appreciate the gifts of life!
Hello Kim,
First let me say thank you for writing a blog that we can relate to. I’m so tired of folks with blogs and just pics of the latest fashion or the next big thing. You blog has substance.
I was recently having a discussion with my friends about the same thing. Why do folks continue to live in the past and love the victim role? Some folks are so afraid to live in the here and now and to strive for excellence because they will need to hold a mirror up and may not like their reflection.
We have all been trough some things in life, I tell folks it’s how we deal with that situation and how we go through it that will show how strong we are and our character.
I am so grounded in God and He is my foundation so I have gotten in the habit of praising Him when I hit a rough patch in my life because I know that going through there is a lesson and blessing.
I could talk all day lmaooo Again ty
I luv this blog Kim !! Everypart of it is true that’s why u have to forgive let go and let god bring peace to your heart … Luv the pic of ester.. Wait a minute sucka lol what she use to say to Fred sandford god bless
Wooowww that is like so powerful Lady Kim. I know what is like to be around someone with so much Negative Nelly Energy. It makes you don’t want be around them because like you said, you’ll be in a great mood then BBBAAAAMMM!!!….negativity done purrnnched you all in your soul.
Then you’re like….”What the heck just happen!!?” “Wasn’t I just in great spirit before I got around this person(or before this person called me)!!?” “Why am I feeling nauceous, drained out and awwwh willynilly all of a cottnpickn sudden!!?”
So believe me, I’ve been there and I had to leave them alone, but once they’ve noticed it, they caught on and started cooling it down because they missed having me around.
Great Blog Maaahmuzz! Looove iiit!
Wooowww that is like so powerful Lady Kim. I know what it is like to be around someone with so much Negative Nelly Energy. It makes you don’t want be around them because like you said, you’ll be in a great mood then BBBAAAAMMM!!!….negativity done purrnnched you all in your soul.
Then you’re like….”What the heck just happen!!?” “Wasn’t I just in great spirit before I got around this person(or before this person called me)!!?” “Why am I feeling nauceous, drained out and awwwh willynilly all of a cottnpickn sudden!!?”
So believe me, I’ve been there and I had to leave them alone, but once they’ve noticed it, they caught on and started cooling it down because they missed having me around.
Great Blog Maaahmuzz! Looove iiit!
Amen. People may not know how their complaining ruins your time together. Hard to teach so
done how to “handle” their issues. Until they start to notice themselves being avoided, will they ever learn? Unfortunate… Love life and live life… With all that entails. Period. Love ya Kim.
Hard to teach “someone” how to handle their issues. Is what I meant to write.. “Proofreading is Fundamental”!!! Hahahahaha
Kim, thank you very much for sharing this ultimately positive and enlightening insight into an all too true life perspective for many. I thank God for having the faith, and through Him the strength, to move beyond the hurts, challenges and possible obstacles of the past, and unfortunately, the ones that may still lie ahead in the future.
The “Negative Nellys” in life are missing so very much, but what I personally think they miss most is the will and desire to let go and to move beyond. There is a weakness within them that provides them with an altered sense of strength – but it isn’t a good strength, it doesn’t allow for growth, it is inhibiting, restrictive and degenerative. Such a very sad state of life.
In one of my endeavors I am associated with a sober living home for women. I am going to share this with the ladies there. There is one in particular who will benefit from seeing this sharing on “Negative Nelly”. Oh, btw, there are also lots of “Negative Neds” out there too. Perhaps this will get in, touch the area where other efforts have failed. Maybe something positive can be gleaned for others from all the negative that lives within Nelly! Let’s hope and pray for the best. Lending your name to this effort will be a blessing and may go a long way!!!!
Like you, I am staying positive, counting my blessings, and loving the life that God has given. Live, love and share! Thank you Kim.
Blessings,
jvs
HEY KIM,
UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL,
I FEEL FOR YOU HAVING TO ENDURE SUCH SUFFERING,
BUT MAYBE I’M BEING SELFISH OR MAYBE JUST BEING PROTECTIVE OF MY SPACE.
I’M EMPATHTIC,BUT 10 YEARS IS TO LONG AND KNOWING YOU CAN NEVER GET,THAT TIME BACK. I’D HAVE TO BE A TRUE FRIEND AND GIVE IT TO THE
SISTA HARD AND STRAIGHT. WHAT DID YOU LEARN FROM THE LESSON? AND MORE THAN LIKELY THE BROTHER HAS MOVED ON, LEAVING ALL BEHIND BILLS,PAIN, CHILDREN AND WHATEVER ELSE HE COULD NOT CARRY.
WE ALL HAVE HAD OUR SORROWS, BUT I CAN REMEMBER CRYING STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FLOOR,PLEADING WITH GOD TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN AND TO TURN THE LOVE,THAT WAS ONCE HIS TO HAVE,MUST BE TURNED AND DIRECTED TOWARDS ME.
THE TEARS DRIED UP AND OUT OF KNOW WHERE APPEARED A GIFT, UNKNOWN TO ME,I BEGAN TO USE OIL PAINT,WHICH EXPRESSED ITSELF ON GALLERY SIZE CANVAS.
I BEGAN TO BE AMAZED AT ME,WOW,GOD HAS GIVEN YOU A GIFT OF LAUGHTER,BEING AROUND SOMEONE ALWAYS ANGRY AND BITTER,CUTS YOUR FLOW OF JOY.I TO WAS AROUND BITTERFRUIT AND I MOVE AWAY FROM THAT FRUIT, SO MY FRUIT WOULD NOT TRY UP.
IF BITTER WAS MY MOM THEN I’D SHOWER HER JOYFULNESS SO THAT WHEN I’M AROUND SHE’LL SEE THAT JOY HAS COME. OTHER THAN MOMS,SISTA GIRL
WOULD HAVE TO GET THERAPY ,BUT SHE WOULD NOT ROB ME OF MY PEACE OF MIND NOR DRAIN MY JOY,THERES TIMES YOU’VE GOT TO SAVE YOURSELF OR YOU’LL BOTH DROWN. I CHOOSE LIFE
I appreciate this blog, bekauz sometimez I see ‘Negative Nelly’ in me. I truly need 2 lighten up myself. I’m 30 also, and very blessed. What stuck out 2 me was “Life is happening in the present moment and the only way to truly experience the present is to let go of the past.” You are absolutely right. Thank you.
Wow, Kim.. what an amazing story. What’s even more amazing is thee uncanny resemblance you friend Nelly has to Aunt Ester from Sanford & Son. Even right down to the flower had. Are they at all related???
Hi Kim,
Life is filled with “negative nelly’s” that don’t realize that the pain that they carry around is only hurting them not the person that they felt wronged them. The easiest thing in life to do is be a “victim”. You have to have real strength and character to forgive people who have hurt you and move on. Fortunately, people can change and grow. Hopefully the “negative nelly’s” out there will.
Keisha
CRISTINA – I sure hope Nelly reads this blog and comes out to audition for you:) Thanks for reaching out!
DRSES & KAREN IRVING – That’s some great advice. And don’t think I haven’t thought about cutting the ties a thousand ties. But as part of my spiritual practice, I keep going back trying to shine my light more brightly, in the hopes that hers will flash on eventually.
RELYN – You’re very welcome. Glad you enjoyed the blog. And yes, being grounded in God makes all the difference!
MABELLINE & ALLISON – Thanks for the comments. Sounds like you really understand just how a sista feels!
TEE – Love you, too. Thanks for weighing in. Hope all is groovy in T-Land.
BEKA – It takes a big person to admit that. Truth be told, we all have the potential to be Negative Nellys. That’s why it’s important to try to strive to stay on the positive tip. Good luck with your struggle!
KEISHA – Amen to that!
BRETTANDTHECITY – They could be twins, huh?:)
When Negative Nelly reads this blog post, shes gonna get u! lmao
Kim- I am trying to reach as many people as possible about my novel out six months now. Black Jack -A Drama of Magic is the romantic tale of my great aunt and uncle, legendary magician Black Herman. Plucked from the audience as a teenager my great aunt became his star/wife/widow: when he died tragically on stage almost 76 yrs ago, on the anniversary of President Lincoln’s assasination [April 14]. Rising with resplendence evermore Eva passed away two weeks ago just weeks shy of her 111th birthday. Yes, we believe there is a reason for her longevity! Avail. Barnes&Noble.com -Amazon/Kindle. Ask your local library to cary and tell me what you think. I think it will make a stupendous movie. Geoprge
You’re a blessing, Kimmy. I’m so glad we’re peeps. Thanks for the lovely lunch on Tuesday and for the always insightful advice. An angel walking on earth is what you are. Yes-siree…
Re “Negative Nelly” you might have to start feeding her with a long-handled spoon (advice my Mom’s used to give me) despite your desire to want to spread your good vibes; Misery loves company and she appears to be so ensconced in hers there’s no turning back.
Keep doing what you do, girl because the light is so much brighter than the dark.
Peace and hair grease.
HPPYNPPY – You’re welcome. I love you too. Always a treat to see my girl!
I do feel for Nelly. I am in that same position, having a hard time letting go of the past which consumes my mind with negativity and the struggle to let go. Pain is a funny thing. Some are able to move on and continue smiling. Some pretend they have let it go but it’s still inside torturing their heart that was once beautiful as the sunshine. Hopefully she will get it together.
The sooner that people realize that the longer they carry anger and hate the longer that person has power over them
Yes! I love that poem too. I had a good LOL at “the edges of her press-n-curl nap up from the cold sweat”. Oh lawd, I can just imagine Nelly. I think we all have at least one of those ppl in our lives. It could be a relative, friend or co-worker. I couldn’t agree with you more about the fact that forgiving is a selfish act. A person does need to think about how keeping all those toxic emotions will deteriorate ones healthy, body and soul. Sadly, some people will never get it and will forever hold onto the very thing that is killing them and then wonder why they are consumed by bad karma. Great post!
I feel very sad for people that waste their life focusing on all of the things that went or could go wrong. My father died two years ago and the biggest lesson I learned from him was love life because when death calls you want to be able to look back and say it was a good ride.
Sometimes bad things are the only things that make a person grow into the best version of themselves.
I agree with you 100%, Kim. “Yesterday” should never be allowed to use up too much of today. And there is truly a releasing power in forgiveness.
People like “Negative Nelly” have usually become psychotic to the point that their negativity isn’t really a conscious choice anymore. Pride, anger and despair keep bringing them slow death as their souls are withering, though their bodies are alive.
But for others who are heading in “Negative Nelly’s” direction, messages like yours can become what saves them from their terminal velocity.
Hi Kim,
This is my oldest daughter. At 39 she got her Masters degree and found a man to marry. At 40 she had the baby she always wanted. She has a good job, a man who adores her, a beautiful son, and you would think the world was out to get her. Try to tell her how lucky she is but she just doesn’t get it.
Hi Kim,
I love what you said about forgiveness. It is so very true and I wish that more women and men would learn this and pass it on to their children. I’ve written about this very issue in my newest novel: Not Quite What It Seems. I write that forgiving someone is not the same as saying what they did to you is okay. It’s allowing you to take back the power that unforgiveness and the person who perpetrated the hurt on you have stolen.
Love you, Kim. I’m still repeating my favorite line from IN LIVING COLOR today: “Bet
not nobody talk about my Ms…” HAHAHAHA! Funny stuff!
I just joined your blog, and greatly appreciate your words of wisdom (Ms Benita is still one of my favorite ILC characters!). This story is so on point! I have made it a personal mandate not to waste any of the precious time God has given me hanging around negative people. They are simply a drain, just like you experienced with your friend. They are so into their own blame game that they can’t see their part in their own problems, and they never have the time to listen to how your day went. Life is too short and filled with challenges to give these parasites the time of day!
There is a Negative Nellie in my life. I have been best friends with her for 30 yrs. I am never going to make her change, all I can do is enjoy her company without judging her.